


Lord Fred and the Kingdom of Death

by Elacular



Category: Big Hero 6 (2014)
Genre: Gen, LGBTQ Character, Mild shipping, Pathfinder - Freeform, Possibly not as mild as I originally thought though., Post-Canon, Recursive Storytelling, Role Playing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-27
Updated: 2014-12-08
Packaged: 2018-02-27 04:58:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 16,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2679995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elacular/pseuds/Elacular
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a spat between GoGo and Fred concerning his obsession with tabletop RPGs, Baymax assigns the Big Heroes to his own brand of therapy: Inclusion.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Setting the Scene

"Look, all I'm saying is it's a little weird for six full-grown straight dudes to sit around a table once a week and tell stories about marauding lesbian gnome hookers."

 

Fred rolled his eyes and groaned at GoGo, and the two of them were possibly the only ones unaware of the role reversal. The other Big Heroes had been listening to the not-quite-an-argument for a while, but at this point they had all paused their experiments to observe. “Okay, first, still pan, GoGo,” he said, arms crossed.

 

“Fine, five straight guys and you, whatever.” GoGo was pacing back and forth as she spoke, annoyed. “The point is, you’re all grown ups! And even if you’re just living out a power fantasy, you literally fight crime on the weekends! What the hell do you need your Dungeons and Dragons crap for?”

 

“Dude, not like jumping around in a giant monster suit isn’t awesome, because it is, but it isn’t the only thing I need in life! Some days I just wanna go be a halfling sorcerer of a draconic bloodline that likes causing political intrigue and that’s just something my Kaiju suit can’t provide!”

 

GoGo facepalmed and gestured towards him. “See, that! What the hell does any of that even mean?”

 

She seemed like she would go on, but Honey Lemon walked up behind her and gently placed a hand on her shoulder. “GoGo, this is clearly something that Fred really loves, and I’m not sure what the problem with that is.”

 

The smaller girl rubbed the bridge of her nose. “The problem isn’t that he does it, the problem is that he won’t shut up about it! I’m trying to focus on getting the most out of my electromag suspension, and him yammering about what poor, villainous noblewoman his magic midget seduced today is really annoying.”

 

“Well....fine,” Fred huffed, “I won’t talk about it.”

 

“Good.” GoGo turned away to get back to work on her bike.

 

“Great!” Fred yelled.

 

For a few tense moments, there was silence in the room, then a robotic voice spoke up. “My sensors indicate that both of you are still experiencing high blood pressure, elevated heart rates and high levels of stress.” GoGo groaned loudly and banged her head against the framework of her bike as Baymax continued. “Diagnostics suggest that the two of you are still angry, as if tensions had truly resolved, your biological functions would be normalizing now. Searching mental health database for proper treatment.”

 

From his corner of the room, Wasabi rubbed his temples and shook his head. Hiro, in the meantime, moved up to the robot and placed a hand on one of his arms. “Baymax, no, now really isn’t the time for-”

 

“Search complete. Treatment options narrowed down to...three.”

 

A communal sigh filled the room as Baymax walked over to be between GoGo and Fred. “Alright, Therapytron,” the former said, “let’s hear it and get this over with.”

 

“Option one: converse with one another while under the supervision of a peer educator. Hugs may be involved.”

 

Fred grinned. “I like hugs!”

 

“Hell no,” GoGo said, “Next.”

 

“Option two: Group therapy.”

 

“Also no!” GoGo said, “Where am I supposed to get the money to talk to a shrink?” Fred started to raise his hand, but Wasabi stopped him. “Ugh, look. Is there any option that doesn’t involve talking to some faux-happy stabler-than-thou senior or a sawbones?”

 

Baymax nodded. “Option three: Communal experience of the point of tension for the purposes of-”

 

“I’m out.”

 

Before he could even finish the sentence, GoGo started stalking towards the door to the lab. However, Baymax reached out and grabbed her hand. “GoGo, it is not advised that you leave like this. A healthy group dynamic is required, more so in this group than perhaps any other. We must be able to depend completely on one another when we’re in the field.”

 

“Look, it’s not even a big deal, okay? He’s just pissing me off today.” GoGo tried to wrench her hand free, but Baymax’s grip was stronger than it looked. “Hiro, did you program freaking judo grip onto this thing? Let me go!”

 

After another brief, tense silence, Wasabi spoke. “Look, you’re a mechanic, right? I know you’re not a perfectionist like me, but you’d still at least be careful enough to fix any little cracks before they turned into a problem.”

 

GoGo gave him a long, hard look, but since she’d stopped struggling, Hiro spoke up. “I think it’d be kinda fun to play the game with him. I mean, just as a team bonding thing or something. As long as we didn’t have to wear stupid costumes or anything like that.”

 

“Dude, we could do that!” Fred said, a huge grin forming on his face. “I’ve been wanting to GM for so long and I have the perfect campaign for you guys! Seriously, it’s awesome. And if you really don’t like it, I’ve got a whole bunch of video games that we can play instead.”

 

GoGo was quiet, thoughtfully gnawing on her gum and still half-heartedly trying to escape Baymax’s grip. Honey moved over and knelt down next to her so that they could see eye to eye. “Come on, GoGo. It really does seem like it could be fun.” GoGo looked distinctly away, popping her gum between her teeth. “I’ll make brownies...”

 

With that, GoGo sighed. “Fiiiiiine. I’ll play the stupid game.” Fred threw both fists in the air and whooped, Wasabi smiled and rolled his eyes and Hiro slapped GoGo on the shoulder. “Only because there’s food and video games,” she said. Honey grinned and hugged her anyway.

 

“This is a healthy step towards group harmony,” Baymax said. “I’m very glad that you-”

  
“Don’t push it, Baymax.” GoGo said, though she briefly leaned into Honey before wrestling out of her arms. She then put in headphones and blasted music while Fred told everyone when they could come over to build their characters.


	2. Finding the Path

In spite of Fred’s best efforts and reminders that money was no object, Wasabi’s new car was a small, unimpressive, greenish-beige pseudovan just like his old one. However, this one had a single, noteworthy rule that the old one had lacked: GoGo wasn’t allowed to ride shotgun. As such, it was Honey Lemon in the front while GoGo, Hiro and Baymax’s case sat in the back. “Well,” Wasabi said, “I’ve been doing some research and I have to admit, I’m a bit excited about this. I’ve looked up roleplaying online and after some,” he coughed, “unfortunate mishaps, I think I have a pretty good idea how this works.”

 

“Unfortunate?” Honey Lemon asked.

 

Wasabi’s face flushed and he gripped the steering wheel tighter. “Yes. Unfortunate in ways that we will _not_ talk about with a fourteen year old in the car. GoGo, stop laughing. But back on the point, it seems like roleplaying is just a very controlled, long-term improv game. Now, not to brag, but I took some improv classes back in my high school days, and I was pretty good at it if I do say so myself.”

 

A brief, hacking cough came over GoGo: “KHABUH-HULLSHIT!” She gently thumped her chest with her knuckles and cleared her throat. “Sorry. Allergies, yanno?”

 

As they stopped at a red light, Wasabi swatted at her with one hand. “Look, it’s not my fault you saw a bad show, alright? My partner was being a jerk!”

 

“And you think playing with us is going to go any better? With Fred in control?” GoGo laughed.

 

“Well...yeah! Because Fred or no Fred, this game actually has rules. And rules are my domain. I’ve memorized all the dice I need for my characters attacks, I know exactly how many of each spell level I have for today, and just what I’m going to use them on.”

 

“Oh hey,” Hiro said, “you figured it out too?”

 

“Figured what out?” Wasabi asked.

 

“How to win the game.”

 

Honey Lemon scratched the back of her head. “Um, Hiro, I’m not sure it’s that kind of game.”

 

“Pfft, every game’s that kind of game. It’s just a matter of figuring out the right bits, and I’ve got it all together. If I had my character sheet, I’d totally show you. It’s a work of art.”

 

Honey gnawed her lip worriedly for just a second before taking back up her usual chipper demeanor. “Well, I made an alchemist! I’m really going to enjoy playing her, and Fred was actually really helpful with putting her together!”

 

“Yeah, I have to admit,” GoGo said, snapping her gum, “He may be a complete spaz, but he really knows this Pathfinder stuff. I mean...it’s still lame, but at least my character’s kind of awesome.”

 

Hiro nodded in agreement. “Not as awesome as mine, but I’ll bet yours are all pretty cool.” He glanced down at the red case strapped in the middle seat. “What sort of thing do you suppose Baymax made?”

 

Wasabi shrugged. “Dunno. Fred said he had the most trouble with his though. Speaking of,”

 

He let his sentence trail off there as Fred’s mansion came into view. Their GM to be was already out on the porch, jumping up and down and waving his arms. As Wasabi handed the car off to Heathcliff, Fred grabbed as many of the others as he could between his long arms and tried haul them towards the door. “Come on come on come on! I’ve been waiting all day for this! It’s gonna be sweet, come on!”

 

Fred managed to drag everyone inside, even Hiro, who was carrying Baymax’s pack. With a quick “ow” the robot was woken up and said his hellos before they all sat down around the table. There were already 5 miniatures and a massive box of dice out along with a dry-erase markable grid, and Honey placed her brownies in the center of the table along with it. “Alright you guys, get set up and pick whatever pieces you like, ‘cause we’re gonna get started just as soon as I have the tavern sketched up,” Fred said, leaning over the table to draw on the grid.

 

“How are some of these even dice?” Hiro asked, messing around with a red and purple d20.

 

Wasabi reached out to pick up a green d20, but Fred stopped him. “Auhhh, you don’t want that one, ‘sabi. It’s cursed. Like, really freaking cursed.”

 

“What? Is it weighted wrong?” Wasabi gently lifted the die up and down in his palm as if testing it.

 

“No, it’s just cursed.”

 

“Is it numbered wrong? Like, does it have more low numbers than high?”

 

“No,” Fred said, clearly getting a bit agitated. “It’s just...cursed.”

 

“Is it-” Wasabi began to speak, but Fred stopped him.

 

“Look, that die just has some serious voodoo on it and I’m trying to save you right now. You roll with that die, things aren’t going to be okay.”

 

Wasabi rolled his eyes. “That’s ridiculous. Just watch.” He did an exaggerated craps-style die shake before tossing the d20 onto the table and smiling triumphantly! “Hey, look at that! Natural twenty right off the cuff! I guess your little ‘voodoo die’ just likes me.”

 

Fred sadly shook his head. “You’re dead now, man. The die’s seductive glimmer caught you. Now you’re doomed. Anyway, done with the thing.”

 

“Ah, good! Should we introduce our characters?” Honey asked.

 

“Hold up, just a moment, lemme do a thing first.” Fred cleared his throat a couple of times, then spoke in a surprisingly deep imitation of a trailer voice: “In the world of Golarion, by the Inner Sea and on the continent of Garund is the small kingdom of Fredrickside.” GoGo groaned, but let him continue. “Ruled by the benevolent king Stanley, a prophecy states that in days soon to come, the kingdom will be under a horrible threat that could end their entire way of life. However, there is hope yet, as the writings also say that five mighty warriors will stand strong to defend their home. And though they may not know it yet, these warriors already walk the streets of Fredrickside. And destiny has brought them all to one small, seedy tavern in the small, seedy town of Zilladon.” There was silence around the table for a moment, then Fred poked at the picture of the tavern. “That’s you guys!”

 

 


	3. You all walk into a bar...

_[The dingy Four Horse bar isn’t the place to go when you’re looking for the ritz or good company. It’s the sort of bar that most people avoid on principle or matters of taste. The beer is cheap piss and the wine tastes like bile, but the food is decent and the beds upstairs are soft._

_Tonight, the tavern is home to more drifters than usual. The general crowd of reprobates gives them wide berth, as everyone knows those adventuring types are bad luck. One of these newcomers, a dwarven fighter, sits at the counter and quietly nurses her drink. Her steely eyed glare is off-putting, but she’s not looking for a fight. She just wants to sleep the night and move on with her life in the morning. And she’s certainly not looking for anyone to join her._

_But life has a funny way of ignoring such expecctations, as a tall, blonde, beautiful elven maiden carrying a sack that clinks and jangles nervously bursts through the door.]_

 

“So, basically, you walk in,” GoGo said, glancing up at Honey.

 

“Well, my character walks in.” Honey said.

 

“Yeah, your character. Who’s you with Spock ears.” GoGo snapped her gum and smirked.

 

“Don’t be ridiculous. I said she was beautiful.” Honey said.

 

For a moment, there was awkward silence around the table and the taller girl shrunk a bit. “Well that is just the saddest thing I ever heard said,” Fred mumbled.

 

Honey blushed and turned back to GoGo. “Well...well what about your character, huh? What does she look like? We don’t even know her name!”

 

GoGo flinched a bit and shrugged. “Uh...iunno. Short, black hair, dwarfy, meh? I didn’t really think about it.”

 

“So, you.” Hiro said.

 

GoGo reached over and pulled Hiro into a headlock, giving him a hard noogie. “You don’t get to talk about my height until you’re actually taller than me, brat.”

 

“Guys, game,” Wasabi said, “Can we...?”

 

A chorus of “right”s rose from around the table.

 

_[The dwarf, named Leiko, pauses in her drinking long enough to register the elf’s presence before going back to her tankard.]_

 

“Wait,” Honey said, “do dwarves and elves not get along in this world?”

 

“Nah, you’re good.” Fred waved her off.

 

“Alright, good. Go on.”

 

_[The elf was struggling a bit with her load, but it wasn’t long before a muscular human in green mage’s robes helped to hold one of her bags._

_“Ah, thank you so much,” the elf said, carrying what she still had over to the empty barstool beside the dwarf. “My name’s Aiko Miyazaki. What’s yours?”_

_“Ginger.” The human said, reaching out with their unencumbered hand to shake. “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”]_

 

“Hold it, hold it. Wasabi, is your character a boy or a girl?” GoGo asked.

 

“I-He’s a boy!” Wasabi said.

 

“Then why is he wearing a dress?”

 

“Those are wizarding robes and you know it!” He grumpily crossed his arms.

 

GoGo barely stifled a snicker. “And why is he named Ginger?”

 

“Because shut up is why.”

 

Fred sat up. “Well, see, we couldn’t think of a name, so we went to this randomizer and-”

 

“Because shut up! Moving on! Ginger asks Aiko what’s in her bags.”

 

A grin spread over Honey Lemon’s face. “Well, there’s explosives, greek fire, mutagens, components including but not limited to mercury, lead, sulfur-”

 

“I drop the bag.”

 

Everyone looked at Wasabi. “Uh...what?” Fred asked.

 

“Yeah, I drop it,” Wasabi said, “I’m not holding onto a huge bag of potential death!”

 

“O-kaaaaaay,” Fred put up the GM screen and swiped two percentile dice from the box in the middle. He rolled them with a loud clacking and sighed when they stopped. “Okay, you do not, in fact, blow up the bar. You do owe Honey’s character about 10 gold worth of glassware though. Hiro, I think I’ll bring your character in now.”

 

“Yessss,” Hiro pumped his fists and laid his character sheet out in front of him.

 

_[As Aiko and Ginger worked out the finer points of how much money he owed her for breaking an entire bags worth of glassware, a loud THUD from outside disrupted the relative quiet. Without further warning, the doors loudly slammed open, revealing a massive, musclebound, 7 foot tall Orc in nothing but light leather trappings and a bear pelt. He stomped over to the bar and slammed his fist down on it. “BARTENDER! Taka Chiho the barbarian demands the largest tankard of your cheapest ale, and he won’t take no for an answer!”_

_The bartender nodded shakily. Nobody was foolish enough to challenge someone so massive. Leiko watched with thinly veiled amusement while Aiko and Ginger were briefly distracted from their discussions by this mountain of a being._

_A mug about twice the size of Leiko’s was placed on the table and filled with a thick swill of a beer. Taka grinned and reached out to drink it, murmuring something about paying the tab back later. Before he could bring it to his lips, however, a large, pale hand covered the rim of the glass._

_“Hiro. Alcohol can produce highly adverse effects, particularly in one as young as yourself.”]_

 

The entire table looked up at Baymax. “Dude,” Hiro said slowly.

 

“Ah, apologies,” Baymax said, “What I meant was ‘Taka. Alcohol can produce highly adverse effects, particularly in one as young as yourself. As a matter of fact, I’m uncertain that any of you are actually old enough to legally partake in this substance.’”

 

“I’m 21 in character, Baymax,” Hiro said. “And even if I wasn’t, it’s just pretend.”

 

“How are you here anyway? Did you just...materialize out of the aether?” Wasabi wriggled his fingers as he said this.

 

“I am with Hiro. It is my duty to take care of my patient,” Baymax said.

 

Honey Lemon blinked with confusion. “Your characters have a connection?”

 

“We do now, apparently.” Hiro said.

 

Fred shrugged. “Well, you’re here. May as well introduce yourself.”

 

_[Maxmillion Bay, the white-skinned Aasimar cleric, kept his hand over the top of the Orc’s tankard. “You really ought to take better care of yourself, Taka. I doubt that indulging in such things will prove beneficial to your career as an adventurer in the long run.”_

_The Orc worked at prying the chubby white fingers off of his mug. “Max, I am allowed to have a drink once in a while. And even if I weren’t, I’m a barbarian! Societal norms are not exactly within my concerns at the moment!”_

_“And that is why I am concerned about them for you.”_

_The orc groaned and slammed his head into the bar and the dwarf snickered. Aiko slowly rubbed her temples and spoke to the bartender: “Can I have some honeymead? Or...anything really?”_

_As she drank, the conversations on either side of Leiko continued, one set arguing about whether or not they were allowed to drink, the other discussing the cost of tempered glass flasks. As such, the fighter was the only one to notice the drunken, well dressed human approaching before he had already wound an arm around Aiko’s shoulders. “Hey...hey gorgeous,” he said, breath reeking of whisky. “I’m like...incredibly rich. I can get you more bottles than this sot’ll ever see in his entire life. Whatcha say, babe?”_

_The elf backed away slightly from him. “Um, it’s not really like that. I-”_

_“Ah, good! Then there’s no reason to hold back, huh pretty girl?” he said, leering.]_

There was a clack of dice against the table. “Alright, that’ll be an 18 all together,” GoGo said.

 

Fred looked up with confusion. “Uh, for what?”

 

“To hit. I’m throwing my barstool at this guy.”

 

A smile spread over Fred’s face. “Alright then.”

 

_[With a THUNK, the wooden top of Leiko’s barstool slammed into the face of the fancy human, who began looking very sober as he hit the ground. Aiko turned, visibly shocked, and stared at the dwarf. Leiko ground a bit of gristle between her teeth before picking the stool back up, muttering “jackass” under her breath._

_The human began to get up, mouth swollen and missing a few teeth. “Y-You! Do you know who I am?”_

_“No.” The dwarf said flatly._

_“I’m Caiaphas Regent! My family owns this town!”_

_“My family owns the manure heap behind a stable, but you don’t hear me whining about it.” She muttered._

_The human seethed and made a few false starts before finally screaming “My father will hear about this!” and storming off.]_

  
And at the table, though she was trying to hide it, GoGo was clearly smiling.


	4. Jumping the Rails

_[The tension in the bar began to drain as Aiko walked over to greet her savior. Before they could speak, however, a bright flash of light filled the room, pouring in from the ceiling.]_

 

*click*

 

Wasabi looked up at Honey Lemon, who was standing over the table with her phone camera pointed down. “Any particular reason you just took a picture of the tavern?”

 

“Oh, sorry.” She grinned sheepishly as she sat down. “I’m kind of live-tweeting the game.”

 

“Ah. Well, just don’t do that too often, it messes with my immersion.”

 

“My bad,” Honey said. GoGo took the opportunity to toss a d12 at Wasabi’s head.

 

_[The elf stood in front of the dwarf, though she had to bend down to see eye-to-eye with her. “Um, hello. Thanks for, you know, getting rid of him.”_

_The fighter shrugged. “He was an asshole.”_

_“Yeah, he kinda was. Anyway, I’m Aiko. It’s nice to meet you!”_

_The dwarf gave her hand a look, then shook it. “Leiko. Nice to meet you too.”_

_Aiko sat down in the barstool beside her, sipping her honeymead as she spoke. “That was actually really impressive though. Don’t you get a penal-uh, isn’t it difficult to just hit someone by throwing a barstool?”_

_“Nah,” Leiko said, “I have ‘throw everything’.”_

_With a massive smile, Aiko began flapping her hands and bouncing excitedly. “You have that feat too? And your dex and BAB are higher than mine, so your ranged is better! Oh wow, we could totally team up and do partner attacks and stuff!”_

_From behind them, the wizard groaned and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Can we stay in character for two minutes, people?”_

_“Honestly, I don’t think so,” Taka said._

_“Alright, alright. Sorry,” Leiko said, muttering something about ‘anal retentive’ under her breath. “What I meant was I’m good at hitting people with things. There.”_

_“Well, I’m an alchemist sooo...I can make things to make you better at hitting things!” Aiko began unloading the contents of her unmolested bag on the bar. “See, I’ve got mutagens that could help to make you stronger, I’ve got greek fire that you could throw and I could even make poison for your weapons!”_

_“No kidding?” Leiko’s eyebrows arched and she smiled. “I think I could get to like you, elf.”_

_“My sensors indicate elevated heart rates and high levels of Epinephrine, Dopamine and Serotonin from both of you.”]_

 

Everyone turned to stare at Baymax, save for Honey Lemon who was hiding behind her hair. “Huh?” Fred said.

 

Baymax seemed to consider for a moment before raising one finger. “That was an in-character observation.”

 

There was another moment of awkward silence before Hiro nodded. “Yeah, sure, let’s go with that.”

 

_[“Max, what in the hell is a Dopamine? Sorry ladies, my cleric buddy here ain’t all there upstairs.” Taka slapped Maxmillion Bay on the back of his vestments.]_

 

“Your orc accent needs work, dude,” Fred stage-whispered.

 

“Well...sorry I don’t know what an orc sounds like! Jeez.” Hiro hissed back.

 

_[“That’s alright. Uh, Taka was it?” Aiko asked. “Your friend’s actually not wrong. Epinephrin is a chemical alchemists can use to help with allergic reactions. I’m...not sure why I’d have any in me though.” She blushed at this._

_“Like I said, he’s crazy. Worships a goddess whose name I can’t even pronounce.”_

_“Bahlalala, goddess of the sick.” Max responded.]_

 

Around the table, everyone snickered and Hiro fistbumped Baymax.

 

_[Ginger walked over and pulled up a chair to sit in front of the other four. “You all seem like you have some really interesting stories. Where are you headed?”_

_“Wherever I feel like!” Taka yelled, banging his fist on the bar._

_Max pointed at the orc and nodded. “He is my patient, and so I go with him.”_

_“I’m going to an alchemist’s expo in the capital city!” Aiko wriggled excitedly in her chair. “It only happens once a year!”_

_“Uh...” Leiko scratched the back of her head. “I’m doing something real important I’m sure.”_

_“Oh come on,” Ginger said, “work with me here! Is Aiko the only one with any actual motivations?”_

_Leiko sneered at him. “Now who’s breaking character?”_

_“At least I actually have a character to break!” Ginger sulked in his chair._

_“Excuse me, adventurers,” The bartender walked up behind them. “The bar’s going to be shutting down soon, possibly forever, so if you could please just pay your tab and go to sleep upstairs?”_

_Taka sneered, picking his teeth with one claw. “Forget that,” he moved to get up, “I’m sleeping under the stars.” Before he could get far, however, Max caught his arm and began dragging him towards the stairs. “Hey! Get off!”_

_“A growing young man requires at least eight hours of good sleep for proper development.” Max said.]_

 

Baymax lifted a d20 and let it fall to the table with a clatter. “I have rolled a twelve for my strength check to detain Taka.”

 

Fred shrugged. “Roll opposing, dude.”

 

Hiro dropped his die and groaned. “Daaaah, nine. Stupid crappy die.”

 

“Welp, I guess Max drags you upstairs and sits on you until you fall asleep.” Fred said. Hiro grunted noncommittally. “So, do the rest of you hit the sack?” A few “yeah, sure”s rose up, and Fred grinned. “Alright then. Roll perception.

 

“God. Dammit.” GoGo facepalmed.

 

_[It was the wee hours of the morning, before the sun had quite decided to show its face but after the starlight had begun to fade, when Aiko and Max were awakened by the sense that something was wrong.”_

_For Max, his darkvision allowed him to see through the early blue light. And in the distance, he saw what looked like two men stalking towards the tavern. They didn’t look terribly intimidating from afar, save for one fact: Even the wanderers and the vagabonds of the town streets knew to give them wide berth._

_In Aiko’s case, she awoke to the smell of ozone and the feeling of the hairs on the back of her neck standing on end.]_

 

“I grab my components, bang on everyone’s door and get out of the building.”

 

Fred blinked a bit at Honey’s quick response. “Don’t you wanna, like know a few more details or-”

 

“No, just...just get out. Maybe make sure the others get out too, but just leave!”

 

“Uh...alright.” Fred said. “You all wake up to an elf alchemist in her jammies banging on your doors.”

 

_[Aiko was the first to get outside, followed by Max, who carried Taka with him. Ginger came out after a moment, and last was Leiko in full chainmail. Standing in front of them were two humans. One was old and grey, with long nails and dark blue tattoos winding all across his face. The other they all recognized as Caiaphas Regent. “They’re the ones, father!’ He said, pointing towards the party. “Especially that one!” His eyes narrowed at Leiko._

_The old man nodded, and a forked tongue slithered out to lick his lips. “So,” his voice was deep and raspy, as if the inside of his throat was sandpaper. “You’re the little infernals who did harm to my son?”_

_“So, you’re the big bureaucrat who raised his son to be such a little shit?” Leiko said._

_The elder Regent chuckled, a deeply disconcerting sound. “Yes, I suppose he is, isn’t he?”_

_Caiaphas blushed. “Father, what are you doing?”_

_Ginger pushed his way in front of the others and began to speak. “Sir, when we met your son, we had no idea that he was a member of a family of distinction. If you could find it within you to forgive our transgressions, we would gladly be on our way.”]_

 

“Rolling for diplomacy on that,” Wasabi said, lifting the green die.

 

Fred cringed. “You sure you wanna do that, man? You don’t exactly have the best charisma.”

 

“Nobody in this party does! And of all of us, I think I’d probably get the best RP bonus here. Now just lemme roll this.” There was the clack of plastic on wood and Wasabi’s face fell. “Oh no...”

 

Baymax looked down at the die. “It appears to be a one.”

 

“It certainly does,” Hiro muttered weakly.

 

_[“HA!” At the tattooed man’s laugh, the air around them crackled and the sweet, ozone scent grew stronger. The shape of his fingers became more bony and sharp, the blue lines on his face seemed to be shining and something bulged and wriggled beneath his shoulderblades. “Just like you wizards.” He spat and it made a sound like the crack of a whip. “Too weak to see past your own spectacles. Always hiding behind your pages and pleasantries! Well...let me show you what real magic looks like.”_

_In the sky, stormclouds that weren’t there before swirled into a serpent's eye above the tavern. In a single, fluid motion, Regent’s head flew back, his arms spread wide and brilliantly blue leather wings exploded out of his shoulders. He let loose an inhuman roar that rattled windowpanes, and from between his sharp teeth, a bolt of lightning shot into the sky. Barely a split second had passed when the clouds retaliated in kind, a swathe of electricity turning the world white and bringing thunder that rattled the party’s very bones. And when they could see again, standing before them was a monstrous, dragon-blooded sorcerer._

_“So,” he began, voice crackling like static, “Do you still thi-”]_

 

“Can I charge him?”

 

Fred looked legitimately surprised when Hiro interrupted his speech. “Uh...what?”

 

“Like, the second he’s done with his ‘moon prism power’ transformation crap. Can I charge him? I’m gonna be going into a rage, after all.”

 

“Yeah, sure,” Fred said, though he was clearly a bit disappointed. “Roll for it.”

 

Hiro dropped the die, then pumped his fists in the air. “NATURAL TWENTY! Oh yeah!”

 

“Roll to confi-”

 

“Does a 19 hit?”

 

Fred’s eyes went wide and his lips twitched into a smile. “Yeah...Okay, so describe what you’re doing. I gotta hear this.”

 

_[The nepotism, the haughty magic user, the speeches, the bright lights, the loud noises._

_It was all enough to make Taka’s blood boil._

_And when the little dragon-human started talking again? Well, that was just a breaking point._

_The orc roared, bearing his greataxe in his massive hands and plowing forward towards the sorcerer, nearly blinded with fury. With a mighty cleave, he buried his weapon into whatever part of the squishy mage he could reach.]_

“Plus nine, times three...I just dealt 66 damage to this sucker!” Hiro thumped his chest twice, “Woo!”

 

“So wait,” Honey glanced at her own character sheet, “Is he dead?”

 

“Noooo, no.” Fred mumbled, rolling his dice a couple of times. On the sixth roll, he cringed. “But you did...well...”

 

_[Nobody could even move an inch as the massive orc charged the dragonborn. All anyone could do was stare as his mighty ax sliced through the sorcerer’s wing, leaving it lying limp on the ground. And then, Taka turned around and ran._

_The rest of the party followed close behind, the orc and dwarf leading their retreat with the cleric bringing up the rear. From behind them, Regent let out an agonized roar. He spat more lightening at them, but it fizzled in the air, leaving him to grasp the place where his wing once was as the new fugitives escaped into the forest.]_

 

Around the table, there was a moment of stunned silence. “God,” Fred said, “now I know how my GM feels. I should apologize to that guy. Five minute break for me to poke through my notes. Help yourselves to anything in the fridge.”

 

He ended his sentence with a big smile before taking his laptop into the next room. Honey Lemon was the first to speak: “Pero qué coño.”

  
“Sick.” Baymax said sagely with a nod.


	5. King Stanley's Flier

“Welp!” Fred ambled back into the room and flopped into his chair at the head of the table, placing his laptop behind the DM screen. “I’ve got all my notes sorted out again and I know what’s going to happen next.”

 

“You mean besides ‘we get chased down by an angry dragon/human demon from hell’?” GoGo asked.

 

“Yeah, besides that. You guys ready to get a move on?” The players finished their last brownies and nodded, and Fred began rolling some percentiles. “Alright, so, in the early morning hours, the five of you run into the forest...”

 

_[The newformed party of circumstance had gotten enough sleep to keep them healthy and awake, but eventually they had to pause so that Ginger could prepare his spells for the day. And so, after about half an hour of running, they stopped to rest and regroup. Aiko sat down on a log, huffing for breath while Max patted her on the shoulder. Ginger knelt down to get to work on his spell components and Taka leaned back against a tree, but Leiko stayed up and started pacing. “Okay, what the hell was that?”_

_“A very angry human sorceror of draconic bloodline,” Max said._

_“Yeah, no, I get that. But what the hell was how we handled it?”_

_“I thought it went pretty well,” Taka said. “Like when you called his son a ‘little shit’? Priceless!”]_

 

Everyone at the table turned to look at Hiro. “Oh, what?” He said, indignant, “GoGo can say it but I can’t? I was quoting!”

 

“Yeah but...” Honey squirmed uncomfortably, “You’re the youngest one, you know? We want you to stay innocent.”

 

Wasabi snickered. “Besides, you and GoGo are different. We actually have expectations and standards for you.”

 

Underneath the table, GoGo gave Wasabi a good, hard kick in the shins.

 

_[“Yeah, alright,” Leiko said, “That was my mistake. But what the hell are we supposed to do now? There’s going to be wanted posters up within the week assuming he doesn’t just hire a personal hit man or come after us himself. I guess....what are we going to do now?”_

_“Well, stressing yourself out about it won’t help, to start with.” Aiko patted the log next to her and the dwarf sat down. “But I’m not really sure beyond that.”_

_“Options.” Max said from behind them. “One: turn ourselves in and appeal to the mercies of the court.”_

_Taka actually laughed out loud at that. “Heh, you’re funny Max. Way to bring the levity.”_

_The Aasimar blinked before holding up a second finger. “Two: Attempt to reconcile with the Regent family. Corollary: Unlikely to work.”_

_“You don’t say,” Leiko muttered._

_“Three: Leave the kingdom and seek safe harbor within another.”_

_For a moment, they quietly considered this, and Aiko let out a soft whine. “I really wanted to go to that expo. Some of the greatest scientists of the modern world would be there, and...ugh.”_

_“Yeah, we’re not doing that one,” Leiko said flatly. “What else is there.”_

_“Data not found.”_

_“God damn it.” Leiko pressed both hands against her face and groaned. “This is my fault.”_

_“Hey,” Aiko gently put a hand on the dwarf’s shoulder, “It’s nobody’s fault that some jerk with a powerful dad hit on me at the bar. And it was still really sweet of you to defend me like that.”_

_Leiko laughed quietly and looked away.]_

 

“Uh hey, if you two could stop flirting for a minute, the GM just said to roll knowledge local.”

 

GoGo and Honey quickly backed away from each other, though the former gave Wasabi a sharp glare. “Weren’t you the one saying to stay in character?”

 

“Wow, you guys are some great actors! Bra _vo_!” Hiro grinned sarcastically and started golf clapping.

 

GoGo sputtered for a second before holding up an oversized d20. “There are a lot of dice here, and I have a really good throwing arm! You know this!”

 

“Guys, guys, party flirting happens in every game and sometimes its kinda gay. You gotta come to terms with this if you’re gonna be a roleplayer.” Fred shrugged. “Like this one time, I was larping with this girl from my 300 lit class. Total dyed-in-the-wool lesbian, but one thing lead to another and we ended up having in-character makeouts in the middle of our session. She’s still one of my best bros, and we play a married vampire couple every third sunday!”

 

There was a beat or two of silence around the table before Honey Lemon spoke up. “Um, I kind of want to hear the rest of that story sometime.”

 

“Knowledge! Local! Rolling!” Wasabi tossed his die on the table, glanced at the result and sighed. “Seven total.”

 

“Anyone else?” Fred asked.

 

Honey Lemon shrugged. “My intelligence is pretty high.” She rolled her own and glanced at the die. “Um, sixteen total?”

 

“Yeah, that’ll work,” Fred said.

 

_[Aiko suddenly sat up, her eyes going wide with realization. “I have our four.” A few “what”s came from the rest of the party. “I have our option four! Come on!”_

_The elf got up and ran off towards the nearest road, and the dwarf and aasimar were quick to follow. Ginger looked up worriedly. “I’m not done with my spell components though!”]_

 

“Actually, by this point you are, dude,” Fred said.

 

“Yeah, but I need ten more minutes to check over my work before sorting them all into their proper-”

 

Hiro groaned.

 

_[“Come on, tiny human!” Taka grabbed Ginger and threw him over his shoulder. “You can fix your little magicks on the way!”_

_“No, hey! Let me down!” The mage tried to wrestle out of the orc’s grip as he carried him through the woods. “I have a systeeeeem!”_

_Very soon, they came into a small clearing in the woods in which there was a crossroads. Around them, the trees were covered in graffiti. Names and initials in hearts were carved into the wood, along with a few insults and “for a good time” notes. But more importantly, there were posters._

_“These crossroads are where people hang all the stuff they want others to see,” Aiko said. “And just the other day I remember finding a whole bunch of fliers about...AH!”_

_She pulled a lemon-scented poster off of one of the trees. On the top of it, the word “EXONERATION” was printed in bold, all capital letters._

**_EXONERATION_ **

_Two mighty warriors, one of chain and one of skin._

_A healer and caretaker beset by madness._

_A wizard with a curse of his own making._

_A potion-making seeker of knowledge._

_If these describe you, you may be the heroes of which the legend has foretold._

_The age of reckoning has come upon Fredrickside, but those who would be brave and mighty enough to stop it would be exonerated for all crimes committed beneath the crown._

_Come to the capital city, apply at the castle for further details._

_“Well, that’s....uncanny.” Leiko said._

_Max nodded in agreement. “It seems to be a description of our party.”_

_“Naaaw, really?” Taka slapped Max on the back. “Wouldn’t have pegged that, captain obvious!”_

_“I know it’s a long shot,” Aiko said, “but maybe we could be the heroes in the prophecy! And if we are, this whole stupid mistake would be stricken from the records!”_

_“Pfft,” Ginger rolled his eyes, “I thought you were a woman of science, Aiko. ‘Prophecies.’ Those are just magical mumbo-jumbo fairy tales for grown ups.”_

_“Says the wizard!” Leiko yelled._

_“Hey, magic has rules and reason. Prophecies are silly stories that people take way too seriously. I mean, I’m all for trying to wring a pardon out of King Stanley, but this? This is just nonsense. Besides, I’m not cursed.”]_

 

“Ooooh, that’s what you think, ‘sabi,” Fred mumbled.

 

“Dice roll low sometimes! Your confirmation bias is through the roof!” Wasabi kept a tight grip on the cursed d20.

 

“Whatever you say, man.” Fred shook his head sadly.

 

_[“Either way though, we don’t need this anymore.” Ginger took out some flint and steel and started trying to light a torch with them._

_“Well...not that I don’t like fire, but we don’t really need to burn it either,” Taka said._

_“It’s cathartic, okay? Fake magic is a sticking point for me.”_

_Ginger finally managed to light up his torch and held the paper overtop of it. Before it could truly catch fire, though, Maxmillion spoke up: “The letters are changing.”_

_“What?” Ginger pulled it away from the fire and saw that brown letters had formed on the singed paper._

_“Lemon juice," Aiko swiped the flier from him and looked at it. “That’s why it smelled sour, they wrote an invisible message in lemon juice!”_

_“Well what’s it say then?” Leiko asked, trying ineffectually to get high enough to read over the elf’s shoulder._

_  
“‘If you can see this, go to the capital city catacombs instead.’” The party nodded to one another, and, folding the flier up, they headed off towards the capital of Fredrickside.]_


	6. The False Prophet, see?

“Alright then, you guys make your way through the forest until you come to the outskirts of the capital city.”

 

“Wait,” Hiro said, glancing at Fred, “We’re just timeskipping there? Aren’t we gonna, iunno, fight some wolves or something?”

 

“You wanna fight wolves?” Fred asked.

 

Hiro shrugged. “Not really.”

 

“Yeah, me neither. Combat’ll happen, but screw the boring first level requisites. Now, like I said, you’re at the outskirts of the capital city.”

 

_[Any typical king would have been offended to call the city of Heath Cliff the crown of their kingdom. But Stanley wasn’t any typical king. It was a bright and comfortable berg, situated on the edge of a high cliff face which dropped off into a fast moving river. The castle was small, though it could be seen from the outskirts, and the city walls were ornamental at best. Anyone who had been there before, however, would notice that there were more guards around than usual._

_The party could see all this from their position in the bushes. Maxmillion peered out and observed the two guarding the front gate, then turned to the others. “They seem to be going through an entry protocol. Only those with a valid reason to be in the city will be allowed, and anybody wanted by the law is being arrested on the spot.”_

_“Well...they wouldn’t know about what happened yet, right? I mean, it’s only been a day.” Aiko clearly didn’t believe what she was saying._

_Leiko shrugged. “Not usually. It generally takes a week or so to get the posters sketched, mass produced and distributed. But I wouldn’t put money on it this time.”_

_“How do you know that?” Ginger asked._

_“What are you, city patrol? The point is, we may not want to go in the front way.”_

_“Dunno if you’ve noticed, dwarf,” Taka said, “But the back way is sheer rock. Then again, that’s kind of your thing, huh?”_

_Leiko seemed ready to say something, but Aiko beat her to the punch. “Yeah...yeah it is! Hey, let me see that!”]_

 

“What the-hey!” Honey Lemon pushed her way past GoGo to look at her character sheet, despite the later’s protests. “Is that allowed?”

 

“Uh, sure?” Fred shrugged. “Never really thought about it. I guess she’s just asking you questions in character.”

 

“Aha! I knew it! I knew it I knew it I knew it!” Honey bounced on her toes with glee. “Okay, so I considered making Aiko a dwarf until Fred told me that stonecunning didn’t give me plusses to identifying and utilizing mineral composites, which is really a shame, but I remembered it was a thing!”

 

_[“And so, if we went in underground, you’d be able to use your dwarven stonecunning to tell when we were getting near the catacombs, and then Wasabi-no, Ginger, sorry, and I would be able to break down the wall and get us inside!” Aiko ended her rant with a huge grin and a long inhalation, since she had forgotten to breathe between words._

_The dwarf blinked at the elf’s face, which was barely an inch or two away from her own. “Okay, first, personal space.” With an embarrassed apology, Aiko (and her player) sat back down. “But beyond that, that’s actually a really good idea.”_

_“Just one problem,” Taka said._

_Max spoke up to finish the thought: “How are we going to get underground?”]_

 

“Iiiiiiyeehhhhh,” Honey’s voice died on her lips. “Honestly, I hadn’t gotten that far yet.”

 

“Hmm.” Hiro brought his knees up to his chest and gnawwed thoughtfully on his lower lip. “Hey Fred, do they have indoor plumbing and reservoirs in this world?”

 

“I’m gonna say yes, ‘cause chamber pots are gross.” Fred said.

 

A smile slowly spread over Hiro’s face while Wasabi donned a look of horror. “No. No Hiro, we’re not doing this. There is absolutely no way we’re doing this, I refuse! It’s bad enough when characters in movies do this crap, so if you honestly think that I’m letting you drag Ginger through-stop with the damn smiling! Wipe that smug grin off your face, because there is no way in hell that I’m going to-”

 

“Who wants to go sewer diving?” Hiro asked. As GoGo and Honey Lemon raised their hands, Wasabi headdesked and groaned.

 

_[It didn’t take very long for them to find an opening into the sewer, and Leiko was easily able to get them inside. (“You can pick locks? Why do you know how to pick locks?” “Drop it, Ginger.”) As expected, the sewers were rather disgusting, but there were maintenance walkways that they could stick to. Ginger seemed to be squirming uncomfortably with every step. “I never thought I’d say this, but I really can’t wait until we get to the catacombs.”_

_Max turned to face him. “I believe that you could use prestidigitation to clean yourself once we’re through.”_

_“Yeah, but I still have to deal with it now! And more to the point, I...uh...”]_

 

“Okay, why are you rolling?” Wasabi asked.

 

Fred looked up from behind the GM screen. “Hm? Oh, no reason.”

 

“Okaaaay,” Wasabi said, though he cringed as he heard the dice clatter again. “Then, uh, Ginger’s going to-” *clacketta* “going to try and-” *click-ck-ck-ck* “find the next-stop rolling! You’re making me nervous!”

 

“Alright, alright, I’ll stop with the dice.”

 

Wasabi sighed. “Thank you.”

 

“Everyone roll perception.”

 

“Goddamn it!”

 

_[Maxmillion’s eyes narrowed and he glanced at the other members of the party. “It seems that we’re not alone.”_

_Leiko drew her axe and shield and moved to the front of the party, Taka standing beside her. “What’s out there?” Aiko asked. “Ginger and I can’t see in this dark.”_

_“Can’t tell yet,” Leiko said, “they haven’t rounded the corner.”_

_From the next passageway, the sound of high pitched snickering was audible. Throaty hisses echoed against the stone walls, along with the nails-on-chalkboard scratch of claws against rock. A head poked around the corner at about three feet high, it’s eyes catching tiny hints of light and glowing brilliantly yellow. Then, the creature backed away, hiding behind the walls for just a moment. Whispering and hissing in a language none of them understood could be heard around the bend. “They know we’re here, don’t they?” Aiko whispered. Leiko nodded. “What should we do?”_

_“Be ready for a fight,” Leiko murmured back. “If you need to run, I can cover for you. That goes for everyone here if things get too heavy.”_

_“Screw that, I’m fighting with you,” Taka said, a snarl working into his voice as he gripped his greataxe._

_“And I always stay with Taka,” Max said._

_Leiko rolled her eyes. “Fine, whatever, just squishy people stay back.”_

_“Well, all of you at least keep these.” Aiko passed each of the three in front a bottle of red, viscous fluid. “Health potions. Hang onto them.”_

_A look of realization came over Ginger’s face and he palmed something in his hand. “Alright, listen, I’m gonna give us an advantage. When I say “pull”, everyone shut your eyes, okay?” The dwarf was about to question that, but before she could, ten sets of yellow eyes rounded the corner. “Pull!” Ginger yelled, and the whole party hid their faces._

_As he threw his flint at the creatures, Ginger covered his own eyes and cast light. Even through their eyelids and arms, everyone could see the glow explode out of the stone and hear the beastial screams, hisses and howls. But slowly, those shouts turned into something else:_

_“YOU DICKLICKING SON OF A BITCH! Where do you cocktwats even get off doing something like that! What the hell is wrong with you?”_

_Slowly, the party looked up, blinking the light out of their eyes. What they saw writhing on the ground were five goblins and an equal number of greyhound-sized hairless rats. The goblin who had been shouting obscenities stood up, eyes still tightly shut beneath his goggles, and kicked the glowing flint back towards them. “Uh...sorry? I think?” Aiko said, handing the rock back to Ginger. “Who are you people.”_

_  
The lead goblin scoffed and puffed out his chest. “WE are the legendary heroes, you gibbering mental defectives!”] _


	7. Little Hero Five

“What.”

 

GoGo’s eyelid twitched just slightly as she said this, though she stayed flopped over the back of her chair. “‘Well,’” Fred responded with a high, throaty voice, “‘Are you deaf or just plain stu-’”

 

“No, kill the voice. That was out of character. What the hell?” GoGo asked. “Aren’t we supposed to be the magical prophecy heroes or whatever?”

 

“You say that like those are actually a thing,” Wasabi said with a smirk.

 

“You shut up. It’s a magical fantasy land, of course prophecies are real. You can use prophecies to predict the weather. So who are these assholes?”

 

“Well chill and stay in character and maybe you’ll find out,” Hiro said.

 

“No, no, this is good,” Fred waved Hiro off. “Dwarves are supposed to hate goblins. But anyway,”

 

_[“Wassa matter, Dwarf? Shocked to see the superior species winning for once?” The goblin adjusted his goggles and sneered._

_“Can I still put my axe in them?” Leiko asked._

_“No, no sweetie.” Aiko stepped in front of her and knelt down. She had to practically sit to actually be eye level with the goblins, but she managed it. “Were you already declared the heroes?”_

_“No,” A goblin from the back piped up._

_The goggled one glared back at him before turning to speak to the elf. “Not yet, he means. But we clearly will be. We’re exactly like the flier said. I’m the knowledge seeking potion maker, ‘cause people always said they’d make good potions out of me before they tried to kill me. And I’m always leaving the tribe because everyone else is a bunch of dumbasses.”_

_“You’re a dumbass!” A goblin in manacles shouted at him._

_“Stuff it, Cuffs! Go eat a dick!”]_

“Is it weird that we’re watching Fred have in-depth insult contests with himself?” Hiro asked.

 

_[“Anyway, Cuffs is the chained warrior, since he’s too dumb to get out of cheap prison irons.”_

_“You’re just jealous because I look awesome!” Cuffs rattled his chains._

_“Skins is the skin warrior because he’s too dumb to put on clothes.”]_

 

GoGo facepalmed. “Please don’t make me think about goblin schlong today.”

 

“They’ve brought up their genitals before,” Baymax said.

 

“Yeah, but ‘eat a dick’ doesn’t actually imply dicks,” GoGo said.

 

Fred contemplatively rubbed his patchy stubble. “Never really thought about that. It’s like...zen fellatio.”

 

“Can I tweet that?” Honey asked, already pulling out her phone. “I want that recorded for posterity.”

 

_[“And our cleric? Well...mostly he just talks to this spiral rock we found.”_

_The goblin in robes in the back curled himself up around his ammonite. “Up, up, down, start9, b, a, start9...not the pc, not the pc.”]_

 

Honey let out a very unladylike snort and buried her face in her arms, giggling. Simultaneously, Hiro and GoGo groaned. “Praise Helix,” Honey choked out between snickers.

 

Hiro rolled his eyes. “Literal cultist.”

 

In turn, Honey reached over and mussed his hair. “Dome scum,” she said with a smile.

 

“Augh!” Wasabi groaned and pressed both hands to his face. “Enough! No more references I don’t get and discussions of vulgar phallic etymology! Scroll of fireball!”

 

“Dude, you only have one of-” Fred began, but before he could finish, Wasabi had rolled the die.

 

“Eighteen to hit! 1d6 damage?” He rolled the cubic die and nodded at it. “Six!”

 

After a second of silence, Fred shook his head. “Alright, man. You just fried 5 goblins. Their giant rat dogs go prancing off into the sewers.”

 

“Alright! Can we get on with the plot now? Remember when we had one of those?”

 

“Yeesh,” Hiro said, “Picky picky. Impatient much?”

 

“Your blood pressure is highly elevated, Wasabi.” Baymax said.

 

“We didn’t even get to the part where we quote Monty Python.” Fred looked legitimately crestfallen.

 

Wasabi sighed. “Look. I just wanna move things along and do more actual roleplaying. I didn’t come here for british comedy, pop culture references and dick jokes.”

 

Fred cringed. “Uh, sure thing, man. Hooboy.” When Wasabi wasn’t looking, he mouthed to the others: “don’t tell him!”

 

_[For a moment, the party just stared at the immolated goblins. Taka tsked at the scene, wiping some ash off the walls with his fingertips. “Well, the karma from this is probably gonna bite us in the ass someday.”_

_Leiko shrugged. “I doubt it. They were just goblins.”_

_“Uh, hey,” Taka put a hand to his chest, offended. “Orc here.”_

_“Yeah, but at least you’re not obnoxious, mostly.” The dwarf started walking on._

_With a grumble, Taka followed after her, and the rest followed suit. Aiko briefly paused to pick up the unfried ammonite fossil before moving on.]_

 

“Sooo,” Honey Lemon said, “Does it start talking to me?”

 

“Uh, from the way Wasabi’s glaring at me, I’m gonna say ‘no’.” Fred said.

 

_[The five heroes made their way through the tunnels until Leiko came to a halt. “Hold on, my Stonecunning’s acting up.”_

_“So basically, your magical rock sense is a rash?” Taka said._

_“If so, on a scale of one-to-ten how would you rate your pain?” Maxmillion asked._

_“Hey, how about you be the one to go and find the catacombs? No? Then shut up and let me do my job.” Leiko pressed herself against the wall and rapped her knuckles against it. “The wall’s really thin here. Air on the other side, seems like young rock.”_

_“You think it leads to the tombs?” Ginger asked._

_Leiko shrugged. “Best we’ve found so far.”_

_Aiko grinned just a bit madly. “Well alright then! I’ll take it from here.” The elf moved quickly, piling a few balls and bottles up against the wall before laying out a fuse. She pushed everyone else back behind her, then knelt down with her own flint and steel and lit it up._

_During the second or two between when the fuse disappeared and when the explosives went up, Aiko went absolutely stock still. But when the ball of fire and deafening boom finally happened, she jumped nearly three feet in the air with glee. She moved to charge through the newly made door, but Leiko grabbed her by the back of her tunic. “Something’s coming,” the dwarf hissed._

_She was proven right as the stonework of the new aperture shifted. With a low moan, seven zombies slowly staggered out from the ancient-smelling crypt, trailing behind them bits of rags and entrails.]_

 

“And I want everybody to roll for initiative!” Fred said, grinning evilly.

 

_[Aiko was the first to move, and she quickly stepped out of the Leiko’s way. Once behind her she pulled out a vial of strange, bubbling fluid and drank it down in one gulp. After a second, her eyes went bloodshot and wild, her veins and muscles bulged beneath her skin, and her body started trembling with energy.]_

 

Honey would have gone into further detail, but Wasabi looked just a bit ill. GoGo, on the other hand, had a slightly unhinged smile on her face, and Fred was sketching something behind the screen.

 

_[Leiko was the next to move, charging one undead with her shield before embedding her axe into another one’s skull. Taka was quick after her, cleaving a larger zombie cleanly in half. Ginger thrust his hand out, magic dancing at his fingertips, but it fizzled very quickly into nothingness.]_

 

Wasabi briefly glared at the upfacing four on his die.

 

_[Max stepped forward and put his hand on Aiko’s shoulder. “Your levels are very atypical right now. Do you require medical attention?”_

_“No,” Aiko said quietly as the zombies tried to chew on their two tanks. “No I’m fine. I’ve never been better!”_

_At this last line, she took from her surviving pack a thin glass bottle of acid and threw it into the fray. The glass exploded upon contact with one of the zombies, dousing and melting its face into oblivion. Aiko punctuated this act with an insane cackling laugh.]_

 

“Well, go on.” Fred said.

 

Honey blinked with confusion. “Uh, go on with what? I just finished my turn.”

 

“Do the evil laugh! Show-don’t-tell, man, you can’t just leave us hanging like that!”

 

“Ooh,” Hiro pressed his hands to his knees, “this I gotta see.”

 

“Um...okay then.” Honey cleared her throat. “Mah...Mweh-ehehehehehhheh? Mueheh?”

 

A round of snickers went around the table, especially from GoGo. “You sound like a damn kitten,” she laughed, and Honey Lemon blushed.

 

_[The battle went on like this as the party slowly fought their way into the catacombs. They were beset by more and more zombies until Ginger finally managed to cast Enlarge Person on Taka, creating a fourteen foot orc monstrosity. After that, the remainder of the zombies were quick work. Finally, there was only one zombie left, a larger, nobler looking corpse who sat on a recently built chair. The still-giant Taka and still-twitchy Aiko both prepared to charge him, but to their shock, the kingly zombie spoke: “Hold! Hold hold hold!”_

_Taka screeched to a halt and held his massive axe in front of Aiko to make sure she did the same. “Did...did you just speak?” The orc asked._

_“Zombies are typically non-verbal,” Max said._

_“Yeah, thanks, captain clue-in.” Taka rolled his eyes. “But seriously, that one talked.”_

_  
“There’s a pretty good reason for that, actually.” The zombie stood up and wiped his face off with his sleeve, leaving smudges of pale where the greyish-green of death had been before. “King Stanley of Fredrickside. I’m assuming you’re here about the fliers.”] _


	8. Self fulfilling prophesies are self fulfilling prophesies are...

“Wait, the king?” Hiro said, “what was he doing cosplaying undead?”

 

Wasabi shook his head. “Does it really matter right now? I kneel.”

 

“I do similarly.” Baymax said.

 

Hiro scoffed. “Well, I don’t.”

 

“I stand, uh...respectfully I guess.” GoGo shrugged. “I have no reason to think this guy’s a tool yet.”

 

She glanced expectantly at Honey Lemon who shrunk a bit in her chair. “Um...you’re all gonna hate me for this, but I loudly demand to see proof of his reign.”

 

GoGo blinked with confusion. “Wow, swerve. Why are _you_ doing the insane bullshit this time?”

 

“Well, the mutagen I took gives me a penalty to my wisdom, and it’s only been about a minute since I drank it. So, Aiko’s kind of operating sans-filter right now.”

 

“Right, awesome powers, crappy drawbacks. Got it.” GoGo nodded.

 

“You guys are so lucky,” Hiro said with a smirk, “my awesome powers don’t come with crappy drawbacks.”

 

“You’re a crappy drawback.” GoGo punched Hiro lightly in the arm.

 

_[The king glanced at Aiko, who was still twitching and trembling on her feet. Leiko and Maxmillion both came up behind her, each holding onto the elf with one hand in a futile attempt to make her hold still. Stanley, for his part, didn’t seem overly perturbed. He didn’t answer until he was done wiping his face with his sleeves, an act which removed most of the grey and green paint. Even so, the bluish taint it left meant that he still had a sickly, exhausted air about him. Leiko cleared her throat. “Um, can we not do the ‘off with her head’ bit right now? I actually like this one.”_

_Stanley let out a half laugh and nodded. “I’m not particularly interested in killing any potential aid right now. And besides that, she has a point.” He dipped his sleeve into a bucket of water near the thrown-together throne and used it to more thoroughly wipe his forehead, revealing a tattoo of a yellow eye in the center.]_

 

“Wow,” GoGo snickered. “That’s not self indulgent at all.”

 

Wasabi rolled his eyes. “Says the girl who’s using this game as an excuse to flirt with-nngh!” His voice cut off at GoGo kicking him under the table again. When he spoke again, his voice was slightly pained: “If I have a bruise on my leg tomorrow, we’re gonna have words.”

 

“The point is, anyone with even one rank in knowledge nobility knows that this is the royal crest of Fredrickside and that this guy is definitely the king. So-”

 

“Do any of us have knowledge nobility?” Everyone looked at Baymax, who was looking at his own character sheet. “I do not, and I’m unsure if it is something our party focused on.”

 

“Uh, yeah. Good point,” Hiro said. “I definitely don’t have it, and I feel pretty safe saying Leiko doesn’t either.” GoGo nodded in agreement with this. “Do either of you...” Honey and Wasabi both shook their heads, looking appropriately embarrassed, and Hiro groaned. “Great! We’re literally a band of marauding dorks with no social skills!”

 

“Well, what else is new,” GoGo said flatly.

 

“Alright, alright, alright.” Fred held up his hands. “Everyone roll untrained knowledge nobility. Anything over ten, you know this guy’s legit.”

 

The clack of dice rolling came from around the table, and everyone seemed to realize at once what had happened. Hiro smacked his face against the table and groaned, Baymax blinked in confusion, Wasabi shook his head in disbelief, GoGo let out a single, shocked laugh and Honey Lemon whispered “Oh no.”

 

“Did you all fail?” Fred asked, jaw slack.

 

“I got a one,” Honey said weakly.

 

Fred took a deep breath and sighed before clapping his hands together. “Okay then! None of you know why this guy is showing you his weird tattoo, but Honey Lemon, you’re absolutely certain he’s not on the level.”

 

_[Aiko snarled and tried to charge the king, but Leiko and Max managed to hold her back. “Jesus! Uh...dwarf jesus, I guess. What’s wrong with you?” Leiko said, wrapping her arms around the elf’s waist to try and keep her still._

_“He’s an imposter! I’ll claw all three of his eyes out!” Aiko kicked and flailed to try and escape._

_“Hey, yeah! This I gotta see!” Taka said. Ginger smacked him in the back of the head. Stanley, for his part, had very intelligently backed himself up against the wall as far from the group as possible._

_Maxmillion stepped in front of Aiko and looked her in the eyes. “You seem to be experiencing some emotional distress. I would recommend that you rest until the effects of the mutagen have worn off. In the meantime, would you like a lolly?”]_

 

Honey lemon reached out and took the lollipop from Baymax. “Yeah, thanks. I could use this.”

 

_[“Okay, look,” Stanley said as the elf sulkily sucked on her candy. “You don’t have to believe I’m king. You don’t even have to think I’m being honest! But one way or another, I am the person who decided who the ultimate legendary heroes are, and you wouldn’t be here if that wasn’t of some concern to you.”_

_“He’s got a point.” Ginger stepped to the front of the party and spoke to Stanley. “Look, I’m sorry about my teammate’s behavior. She’s not in her right mind right now.” Aiko stuck her tongue out at him. “And we may not trust or like each other, but we do need to discuss this...ugh, prophecy stuff.”_

_“Yes. And at the very least we can do it in the comfort of MY CASTLE. Follow me.”_

_As the others followed Stanley, Aiko tried to walk the other way, but Leiko reached over and grabbed her by the arm. “Come on, honey.”]_

 

“Aiko,” Honey Lemon gently corrected.

 

“That was in character, actually.” GoGo was slightly flushed as she said this.

 

“...ah!” Honey blushed as well. “Okay then.”

 

“Oh my god, just kiss or something! You two are bad at this!” Hiro yelled.

 

“Shove it, Taka,” GoGo muttered.

 

“Yeah,” Hiro rolled his eyes, “‘Taka’.”

 

_[The theoretical king led them through a number of secret doors until they found themselves within a lavish room. Looking out the many windows, even through the stained glass, it was clear that they were in the Heath Cliff Palace. Wherever they walked, servants bowed respectfully towards Stanley. “I’m starting to think that this guy is for real.” Taka said._

_Aiko crossed her arms and looked away. “He could still be a fake,” she muttered._

_Eventually, they were lead to a hallway with five lavish rooms. “Alright. I can’t be certain if you’re the heroes of the prophecy, but if you are, this is where you’ll be staying for the duration.”_

_Leiko blinked. “I’m sorry, what? Don’t you need us to save your kingdom or something?”_

_“Let me explain,” the king pulled out a scroll and opened it up. “This is what was transcribed from our seer’s visions. It tells of the great heroes and the dragon that will come to decimate our kingdom. I won’t be letting you read it, because that just opens up a whole can of self-fulfilling prophecy horsehock that I really don’t need right now, but the important part is about the dragon. ‘Fueled with rage at the mistreatment of his progeny, the mighty dragon will bring storms upon the land, and only those who had wronged him will have the strength to defend it.’ That’s the gist of it._

_“So, our thinking is that we can skip this whole mess if we just put the great heroes under house arrest for a few weeks! Don’t let them offend any dragons or dragonborn, just trim the fat and let the prophecy fizzle itself out. That’s why in our kingdom, we make it a policy to show kindness to even the most vile of dragons. Hell, we even have the son of one as mayor of one of the nearby towns.” The party looked at one another, each with an expression of worry and discomfort. Stanley’s eyes narrowed. “Is there something I should know about?”_

_  
Ginger giggled nervously. “Well, the good news is, we’re pretty sure you’ve found the right heroes.”] _


	9. A plan comes together

_[As Ginger explained their story to the king, there was very little for the others to do besides awkwardly stand at attention. At the very least, though, everyone seemed to understand the gravity of the situation. King Stanley’s eyes slowly went wider and wider until he pressed his face into the palms of his hands. Slowly, he walked over to the nearest wall and started hitting his head against it. “Your majesty,” Maxmillion said, “I do not believe this is productive to your continued physical and mental health.”_

_“Damn my continued health! My kingdom is going to be sacked anyway, and the only people I can rely on are the likes of you!” Stanley groaned and turned back to the others, a bruise forming over his third eye. “Sorry. I know this isn’t...entirely your fault. Not completely. Precisely. But I’m just going to need some time to deal with this. Please, feel free to make yourselves comfortable in the guest rooms.”_

_With a groan, the king walked back down the way that they came. Ginger exhaled the breath he was holding and rubbed both temples with one hand. “Well, that could have gone better.”_

_“Honestly, no, it probably couldn’t have. After all,” Aiko began. Her muscles had relaxed, her nails were returning to normal and she was sleepily leaning on Leiko, “He may be polite, but he’s still a fake king. For all we know, nothing that we heard was true at all.”_

_“What are you doing?” Leiko asked._

_“The mutagen. It’s worn off, and my body doesn’t want to move.” Aiko said matter-of-factly._

_The dwarf rolled her eyes. “Well, it’s going to anyway. Pick a room.”_

_“Uh...second on the left?”_

_“Alright,” with a mild noise of strain and a yelp from Aiko, Leiko hefted the elf up and onto her back so she was draped over her shoulders. With another grunt, she carried her into the room. “Damn elves. Humans are already much too tall, and then there’s you lot hovering around six feet as a whole...no sensible species needs to be that tall. It’s like carrying a goddamn slinky. And furthermore I...uh...”]_

 

“Are you texting?”

 

Honey looked up from her phone. “No! Uh, yes, but no. I was texting Fred.”

 

“But he’s right-are you passing notes?” GoGo was visibly confused.

 

“Not important ones.”

 

Honey Lemon tried to put her phone away, but Hiro ran over and grabbed it. “Hey, lemme see that! No hiding stuff.”

 

“Wow, not playing ‘Paranoia’ with you.” Fred muttered as Hiro and Honey fought over the phone.

 

“Aha!” Hiro snatched the phone and curled up in a ball around it while Honey tried to steal it back from him. “‘@Honey Lemon: You know that mutagens don’t actually come with a crash, right?’ ‘@Fred: Yeah, but she doesn-’HEY!”

 

As Wasabi lifted Hiro up by his waist, GoGo swiped the pink, cat themed phone before smacking him upside the head. “Just because you _can_ be an insufferable little shit doesn’t mean you should.” She handed the phone back to a blushing Honey and sat back down.

 

“Sorry.” Honey said, scratching the back of her neck. “I guess you drop me now.”

 

“Nah, not ‘til you’re over the bed. I may know you’re a horrible, manipulative sociopath from hell,” she smirked and nudged the taller girl with her shoulder, “but Leiko doesn’t know that. You monster.”

 

_[The dwarf hauled the elf into the room she had chosen before dumping her unceremoniously on top of the comforter. It was a sparse room, but exceedingly lavish, and Leiko found herself getting a bit distracted by the fineries. The floors were painted bright red with golden woodwork, and gossamer banners were threaded along the arched ceiling. The silk sheets and down comforter were especially distracting, and it was clear that much of this year’s royal funds went into making sure the great heroes didn’t feel like escaping their house arrest. She was brought out of it, however, at a voice: “God, this carpet feels so soft! How many chinchillas did they kill to make this thing?”_

_Aiko and Leiko turned around to see Taka crouched on the floor, running his hands up and down the rug. Ginger and Max followed behind him, the latter sitting down next to the orc. “Uh, you know there’s five rooms, right? You can get lost now,” Leiko said._

_“Yes yes, we know, but the simple fact is that there’s things we need to discuss.” Ginger pulled a large, cushy chair from one corner of the room and made himself comfortable before speaking again. “First and foremost, HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DEAL WITH A DRAGON?”_

_“Iunno.” Leiko sat down at the foot of the bed. “You’re the oh-so-studied wizard, you be our idea guy.”_

_“Yeah, I am educated, and you know what that education taught me? ‘Don’t mess with element-breathing lizards 20 times your size!’”_

_“Well, that doesn’t really help us now. We’ve already dug our grave.” Aiko said,_

_Taka snorted, pressing his face into the carpet. “So what? My aunt used to say that when you find out what you’re digging is your own grave, you don’t lie down in it. You get up out the hole and fill it back in.”_

_Ginger arched his eyebrows. “That’s unusually sage for a barbarian.”_

_“With the bodies of your enemies.” Taka finished._

_“Ahp, there it is.”_

_“Taka has a violently worded but legitimate point.” Max patted the orc on the shoulder. “We would do well to consider options to repair the situation besides the obvious. Look at it from a new angle.”_

_Aiko rolled onto her side to look at the others. “Well, if we could meet the attackers before they attack, I might be able to poison them, but that’s a long shot.”_

_“Augh!” Leiko facepalmed. “All this bullshit because some dragon had to go get his rocks off with some human and make awful, spoiled mutant progeny! I never asked for this! These assholes make all of dragonkind look bad!”_

_From his position on the floor, Taka suddenly froze. “Yeah...yeah, they do, don’t they?” The orc scrambled to his feet and started pacing. “Okay, so because of the prophecy, this kingdom’s always gone out of its way not to piss off dragons, yeah? Like, any dragons. Metallic, Chromatic, they were even careful around dragon bloodline sorcerers.”_

_“Yeah. That’s why the Regents owned a town,” Aiko said. “It’s what got us into this mess.”_

_“Yeah, but no. Screw the Regents, forget them for a minute. Because they may be assholes. A lot of dragons may be assholes, but this kingdom was nice to the not asshole ones too!”_

_A look of realization crept over Leiko’s face. “And there’s bound to be at least a few dragons nearby who don’t care about the Regent’s bullshit. Or maybe don’t even like them!”_

_“Maybe there’s even some on really good terms with the kingdom!” Ginger said, a grin slowly forming._

_“And we can get their help if we can find them!” Aiko jumped to her feet and bounced on her toes. “Come on everyone, I saw a library downstairs! We can start there!”_

_Leiko arched an eyebrow. “Didn’t I have to carry you just two minutes ago?”_

_“Details, details, come on, let’s move!”_

_With that, the alchemist rushed out of the room, followed by the rest of the team. Leiko gave a mock sigh and muttered “I feel so used,” before bringing up the rear.]_

 


	10. Twilight dragons and musty books.

_[Lead by an overexcited elf, the team made their way downstairs until they found the library. It wasn’t as overly expansive and luxurious as their rooms by a long shot. Instead, it was smaller, mustier, and a slight smell of mildew hung in the air. Ginger shuddered. “Shouldn’t you love this, Wizard?” Taka asked. “Last time I checked, you losers love your moldy old books.”_

_“Books yes, mold no.” Ginger said. “The other wizards at the academy didn’t get that either. It doesn’t add ‘character’ or ‘components’ or any crap like that, it’s just disgusting and unsanitary and lazy!”_

_“I dunno about the components. I could probably harvest some of this stuff for my alchemy. Oooh, I bet I could make a great poison out of whatever’s in that corner!”_

_The team looked at the corner where Aiko was pointing and saw a dark green...something. It may have been a trick of the light, but for just a moment it seemed to be moving. Ginger dry heaved and turned away. “You appall me.”_

_“I’m gonna go take a look at this, You guys can search for the book.” And with that, Aiko left to crouch in the corner, examining the growth._

_Leiko cringed and shook her head. “You know, they say the problem with science is that it takes all the wonder and beauty out of the world. But I think that it’s just the opposite.”]_

 

“And just for the record,” GoGo pointed at Honey, “that goes double out of character. I’m sorry Honey Lemon, but some of the chemicals you make are just really horrifying.”

 

“Oh please,” Hiro said, “this coming from the girl who thinks the smell of burning rubber is an aphrodisiac?”

 

“You say that like it isn’t,” GoGo said with a smirk. At this, Honey looked just a bit perturbed.

 

“Look, can we just agree that you’re all disgusting except me? That seems fair,” Wasabi said. GoGo flipped him off. “Jeez, do you have even one modicrum of class?” She lifted her pinkie finger as well.

 

“I would dispute, but he’s not incorrect. The count of foreign bacteria on and within Wasabi’s person is decidedly the lowest of everyone here.” Wasabi smiled and puffed out his chest as Baymax said this. “the number of individual colonies on his skin is only in the hundre-”

 

“That’s enough, Baymax.” Wasabi said quickly, a shudder running through him.

 

“Anyway,” Fred said, “You can all roll perception to see if you find something that helps you.” Dice rolls went around the table again, and as usual it was punctuated with a groan from Wasabi. “Dude...please.” Fred said, glancing at the five, “Just use a different die. I feel really bad for you!”

 

“No! There’s nothing physically wrong with this die, so I’m going to keep using it and it’s going to normalize, damn it.” Wasabi sat back in his chair and sulked.

 

“I’m honestly starting to think that’s not the case, Wasabi,” Honey said.

 

“Seriously?” He glared at her. “Voodoo dice curses are not science!”

 

“Neither is ignoring new information in favor of preconceived ideas, amiright?” GoGo said.

 

Baymax extended a small spraypipe from his finger. “Would you like some aloe? My sensors are indicating a severe burn.”

 

Wasabi’s face went bright red as the table fell apart around him. “Hiro, if you taught Baymax that, I swear to god...” He muttered.

 

“‘Hashtag, sick’.” Honey dictated as she typed it into her phone, still giggling. “Anyway, the rest of us rolled well.”

 

_[As Aiko was enthralled by the slime molds, Leiko managed to find a book on Fredrickside commerce, Taka climbed up the shelves for one on local fantastic beasts, and Maxmillion found a book on diplomacy within the last 100 years._

_Although Ginger didn’t find anything relevant to local human/dragon relations, he did manage to find a very fascinating book of magical spells. He knew just at a glance that the spells within this would grant him power which he had yet to discover.]_

 

“Don’t patronize me.” Wasabi grumbled.

 

“So you don’t want the book?” Fred asked.

 

Wasabi grunted and wrote “Magic book” in his inventory.

 

_[As they searched through the books, the three readers found a similarity that was impossible to ignore: On unilaterally good terms with the kingdom was a young, gold dragon named Kaiju. He was known as a hoarder of art, gathering statues, books and drawings that he found interesting in return for offering money and protection to the state.]_

 

GoGo gave Fred a very hard stare. “Really, moneybags? Really?”

 

“Resemblances to any person living or dead is entirely coincidental on my part and shall remain that way.” He said quickly. “Moving on.”

 

_[“This ‘Kaiju’ seems like a viable option to find the help that we need.” Max said, pointing out an illustration of the massive metallic dragon._

_“Alright, that’s a good place to start, but how can we be sure that that dragon isn’t evil?” Aiko asked, crawling over with a vial full of spores.”_

_“Simple: Its scales are shiny.” Max said._

_Leiko blinked. “No, really, how do we tell?”]_

 

“Baymax is right, GoGo,” Fred said, “Chromatic dragons like the Regents’ granddad tend towards chaotic evil, Metallic dragons are more lawful good.”

 

GoGo stared at the gm with her jaw slack. “What?”

 

“Well, you see, there were these dudes Bahamut and Tiamat-”

 

“No! No no no, I don’t care about the geek noises coming out of your mouth! You tell the good and evil ones apart by how sparkly they are?” GoGo shook her head. “I...I’m offended, but I don’t know why or who for.”

 

_[“Uh...alright. Okay,” Leiko took a deep breath, exhaled, then continued speaking. “In my book it says that trades with Kaiju take place on top of the mountain where he keeps his hoard, known as Sanfrokyo Tower. Seriously, what is this shit, twilight for scalies?”_

_“Just let it go, sweetie.” Aiko patted Leiko on the shoulder._

_“Looks like it’s about a days walk from here to the base, then half a day to climb.” Ginger said, trailing his fingertips along the map._

_“That’s assuming it’s not covered in draconic trap stuff.” Taka muttered. “I mean, sure he’s one of the pretty ones, but he’s still got a hoard. If I had a hoard, I’d put it behind so many traps nobody would get through with all their limbs.”_

_“Well, you’re clearly our paragon of morality on par with Edward up there, but good point anyway.” Leiko yawned and leaned against one of the bookshelves, blinking heavily. “Look, it’s been a long day, I’m too tired for this crap. What do the rest of you think we should do about this?”_

_“Go get the dragon, tell him to help us or die, ride his gold plated butt into battle.” Taka said._

_“Negotiate with the dragon,” Ginger said, giving the orc a quick glare. “Explain the circumstances, possibly appeal to his pride, get the help we need.”_

_“And then ride his gold plated butt into battle.” Taka nodded matter of factly._

_“Can’t we just talk to him?” Aiko asked. “He is one of the nice ones, after all, and he’s on good terms with Fredrickside. Why don’t we just tell him about the prophecy and ask him for help with it?”_

_“Just as long as I get to jump off a dragon and bash something with my axe, I’m good.” Taka turned to look at Max. “How ‘bout you, tubby? What do you think?”_

_The Aasimar considered very carefully before he spoke. “I believe that we should sleep for eight hours, make our way to the foot of the Sanfrokyo tower and discuss further then. I feel that this would be advisable both in and out of character, as GoGo already seems intent on doing so.”]_

 

Everyone glanced over and saw that GoGo had fallen asleep draped over the back of her chair. Fred glanced at his phone and whistled. “Wow, it’s twelve already? Time flies.”

 

“Twelve? Oh no, I really don’t like driving after midnight.” Wasabi murmured.

 

“Hey, it’s cool man, this house has like a kajillion guest rooms. You guys can stay the night.” Fred grinned and spread his arms. “My front door is your front door. That’s how the saying goes, right?”

 

“Not exactly,” Honey Lemon giggled. She glanced at GoGo and rested her chin in her palms. “She looks so peaceful. Should we wake her up and walk her upstairs?”

 

“Won’t work,” Wasabi said. “She makes most of her deliveries early morning, so she woke up at around five today. It’s way past her bedtime.”

 

“Riiight, I forgot you guys are roommates, Hiro said. “How have you two not murdered each other yet? Also, Honey Lemon, what are you doing?”

 

Honey seemed to be trying to pick GoGo up, though she was having little success. Somehow, the shorter girl stayed adamantly unconscious. “Returning the favor! I can’t just *oof* let her sleep here, can I?” She finally managed to get GoGo on her back, but after taking one or two labored steps, her knees buckled and hit the floor. “Ugh, she’s a lot heavier than she looks!”

 

“I know, right?” Wasabi said as Baymax picked up GoGo and carried her. “Nice try though.”

 

“So guys, wanna finish this after breakfast tomorrow?” Fred asked.

  
Everybody nodded, and his grin practically split his face open.


	11. The Morning After (and round two)

Even if they hadn’t all packed a few sets of clothes in Wasabi’s “trunk survival kit”, at the very least Fred had some decent sleepware. So when Honey Lemon came downstairs in her own pink button ups to the sound of arguing, she was far less surprised at Wasabi’s very expensive looking bathrobe and more shocked at GoGo crouched by the open fridge in an oversized t-shirt and boxers. “Mmm, morning.” Honey muttered, wiping at her eyes.

 

Wasabi turned from his and GoGo’s argument to smile at Honey. “Ah, Buenos días! Dormiste bien?” Honey gave an affirmative hum and Wasabi turned back towards the fridge. “Maybe you can talk some sense into her. GoGo’s somehow got it in her head to cook breakfast.”

 

“I might as well. I’m more awake than everyone else.” GoGo muttered.

 

“You can’t cook. Remember the time with the mushrooms?”

 

“That was a year ago and you know it! I hardly ever set the smoke alarm off anymore! And if I could just find something that actually looks like food, I could cook it with perfect competence!”

 

Honey Lemon giggled before walking over and crouching next to GoGo. She actually recognized most of what was in here, but she wasn’t shocked that a girl on a college-student’s food budget didn’t. “You know, if you’re hungry, I could put something together. I don’t mind,” she said.

 

“Yeah, I know,” GoGo said, “but you always cook for us. Unless it’s Aunt Cass, but at least we pay her for that. Between me and Wasabi, he always cooks-”

 

“For good reason,” Wasabi said, though GoGo rolled her eye.

 

“And Heathcliff probably always cooks here since he’s got to make sure the manchild upstairs gets something more healthy in him than microwave ricearoni. My point is, you all deserve a break.”

 

Wasabi sighed. “And that’s very noble of you. But setting the mansion on fire doesn’t count as giving anyone a break, intentions notwithstanding.”

 

“Well, it’s a moot point anyway, since there’s clearly no normal food in this house.”

 

GoGo moved to get up, but Honey grabbed her arm and dragged her back down. “Hey, did I ever show you what I cooked on the second episode of that show?”

 

“Uh, I saw the thing, but never in person.” GoGo said, glancing at the hand that was still on her wrist.

 

Honey grinned and flapped her free hand excitedly. “Well, it’s super fun to make! And all the ingredients are right here! Come on, let me show you!”

 

For the next hour, Honey dragged GoGo around the kitchen, demonstrating how to put together what she called “A world class breakfast quiche” while Wasabi helped with the chopping and meat preparation. By the time Hiro (in shorts and a t-shirt) and Baymax wandered downstairs, the entirety of the dining room smelled delicious and the plates were set out.

 

Fred was the last to arrive, and when he arrived everyone else had already started eating. He came down wearing nothing but sweatpants, and at the sight of his carpet of chest hair, Wasabi gagged. “Jesus man,” GoGo said, putting a hand over her eyes, “Put a damn shirt on before Wasabi pukes on the table.”

 

“What-oh, sorry, I’m just so excited to play more today!” Fred seemed like he would go on, but Baymax gently pushed him back up the stairs.

 

After a moment of stunned silence, Honey Lemon asked “Do you think it’s illegal to bring someone to a waxing parlor while they’re sedated? Or tranquilized?”

 

“That’s not gonna happen to me, right?” Hiro said.

 

“NO.” The entire table said in unison.

 

After another minute, Fred came back down, this time wearing a wife beater. “Alright! Alright alright alright, let’s get started back up! So, the next morning you-”

 

“We finish eating first,” Wasabi said, shoving a piece of the quiche over to Fred’s side of the table. Fred let out a loud, frustrated groan and wriggled anxiously in his seat.

 

“Hey,” GoGo said through a mouthful of quiche, “since we’re all here, anyone know what happened to my leg? I woke up this morning and there’s a bruise that wasn’t there last night.”

 

The boys around the table snickered and Honey Lemon blushed. “Well, uh, sometimes things like that happen, you know? Just wake up one morning, new scratch you didn’t remember, stupid stuff like that, right?” GoGo peered up at her and Honey laughed awkwardly. “Hey, remember the game? That was fun! Let’s get back to that!”

 

Fred pumped his fists. “Yessssss.”

 

_[As the light of dawn washed over Fredrickside, while the clerics said their morning prayers and the wizards prepared their spellbooks and components, five adventurers were up and ready to move. The king stood before them, and everybody but Aiko and Taka knelt down. Stanley heaved a deep sigh, having had the plan explained to him. “Well, I can’t say I’m confident in our chances, but having one dragon on our side is infinitely better than having none. And inept or not, I’ll take the legendary heroes I can get.”_

_“Gee, thanks. Such confidence.” Taka grumbled._

_“As such, I’ve poured the last of my funds into a boon for each of you. Elf, receive yours first.” Aiko warily stepped up before the throne, fingers nervously toying with one of her mutagens. “I’m well aware that you don’t trust me, but you’ve given me no reason to think that you don’t trust your science. And so, I give you this: Elixir of the brink.”_

_As he handed her the small vial, Aiko held it carefully between two fingers, keeping it at arms length from herself. “Uh...thanks.” Very slowly, she put it into her bag before stepping away from the king._

_Stanley rolled his eyes. “Orc, you’re next. For you, I have-”_

_“Nope.”_

_The king blinked with surprise. “What?”_

_“No thanks, I’m good.” Taka said, waving him off._

_“I...I’m not sure if you know, but this axe is-”_

_“I knew it! It’s some sort of magical axe of plus one badassery, right? Well, the thing is,” Here Taka slammed his own axe, head up, into the ground, “I don’t need plus one. I’ve got all the badass anyone could ever want, and you’re damn lucky I’m not offended by any implications to the contrary. Give the axe to your next of kin. They’ll probably need it.”_

_For a moment, the king looked legitimately shocked and threatened, but Maxmillion stepped up to him. “I apologize for the behavior of my patient. On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate your emotional pain?”_

_“Ah, yes,” Stanley said, “The seers told me many years ago what you would need.” He pulled out a large pair of brilliantly red boots. “Bracers of flight. With these, you’ll be able to walk on the air just as you would on the earth.”_

_Maxmillion smiled. “Flying makes me a better healthcare companion.”_

_“Wizard,” Ginger stepped up. “This is a wand of magic missile. It is a spell unaffected by your curse, and it has many uses. It will be as your sword to you.”_

_Ginger gave a very fake smile. “Thanks! Thanks, it’s just what I wanted!” As soon as he thought the king wasn’t looking, he shoved the wand into the deepest, most forgotten recesses of his pack._

_Finally, Leiko stepped forward, and here he brought out a folded mass of something clinking and dark blue. “This is some of the strongest chainmail in Fredrickside, hewn from the scales of the only dragon ever slain within our kingdom: The chromatic blue who fathered the father of the sorcerer you intend to fight. It seems poetic.”_

_Leiko nodded, silently taking the blue chainmail and taking it upstairs to change into it._

_  
Finally, completely prepared, the warriors stepped out of the castle and began their long trek towards Sanfrokyo Tower, well aware of the foreboding storm in the distance.] _


	12. The Belly of the Dragon

_[It was around noon when the party first saw the peak of Sanfrokyo Tower looming in the distance. Even from as far away as they were, it was clearly massive. All the trees had been razed from the mountain, and the stone that made up what was left was coated in scorch marks and ash. Aiko shuddered involuntarily. “Wow. It’s...it’s a lot bigger from here.”_

_“Everything’s a lot bigger from here. You get used to it,” Leiko said._

_Taka snickered. “Heh, it’s funny because you’re short.”]_

__  
  


With one swift motion, GoGo gave Hiro a hard punch in the arm. “Ow! Hey, that was in character, you jerk!”

 

“So was that,” she said flatly.

 

_[The closer they got, the more the woods thinned, and the more the cries of animals went quiet. At first, it was as though the trees had been cut, leaving very typical stumps. But further on, they seemed to have been pulled up by their roots, if there were any trees left at all. The air grew warmer, and the smell of ash became more and more prominent. Ginger began to have a coughing fit, but Max was able to get him breathing properly again. After that, the cleric tore five straps of cloth off of his vestiments. “Tie these around your nose and mouth. They should prevent more ash from getting into your respiratory systems.”_

_“Are clerics allowed to rip their holy dresses or whatever?” Taka asked._

_“Perhaps not, I am uncertain of the specific rules. But I feel Bahlalala will forgive me for offering an ounce of prevention. Besides, it is my duty to protect my patients.” The Aasimar reached up and patted the orc on the head. From behind him, Leiko snickered._

_With all of their faces covered in thin, white cloth, the party continued on, even as the trees disappeared entirely and the sky went dark with smoke. By the time they reached the foot of the mountain, the sun had been so blotted out that they couldn’t tell if it was night or day. From the far off peak, there was a low rumble that made their ribs vibrate and creak._

_Everybody but Aiko and Ginger was getting teary eyed at this point. “Ugh, I hate this so much,” Taka said. “How are you two okay? Is smoke just repulsed by nerd tears? Did you magic your eyeballs and forget to tell us?”_

_“I work with high temperatures and chemicals stronger than this every day, remember?” Aiko said._

_“And besides, when you’ve thrown as many fireballs as I have, smoke is barely even a thing anymore.” Ginger shrugged._

_“If you’ve thrown so many, why don’t any of them hit?” Leiko muttered. Taka let out a guffaw and fistbumped her._

_“Guys, can we maybe do the intraparty fighting once we’ve dealt with the whole dragon thing?” Aiko asked._

_With a few murmurs of assent, they began walking up the mountain.]_

 

“Alright, everybody roll me some perception.”

 

Wasabi tensed. “Hey, you alright?” GoGo asked.

 

“I read online that when a DM says ‘roll perception,’ it’s code for death. I like my character, I don’t want him to get dragonned!”

 

“Well better roll some dice then,” Fred said with a smirk. “There’s plenty of D20s in the basket just waiting for you.”

 

Wasabi reached out to grab one of the dice, but paused and gave Fred a quick glare. “Nice tryyyyyy.”

 

He swiped back his cursed green die and dropped it, letting out a whoop of success when it landed on a 16. Fred sighed and shook his head. “And the hooks are in again.”

 

From the table’s other corner, Hiro huffed at his dice. “Stupid negative wisdom.”

 

_[As Taka charged upwards along the mountain, a pale hand suddenly reached out and grabbed a fistfull of his hair, grinding his charge to a halt. Maxmillion dragged him backwards a few steps before pointing in front of the orc. Before him, there was a bear trap, only slightly camouflaged, poised to take off his leg at the knee. “Christ...” he muttered, steadying himself. “Uh, thanks, Max.”_

_The cleric nodded. “You are all my patients, and I will protect you from damage to the best of my abilities. For this reason, I will be leading us along the trapped mountain. As we can see, the dragon is not above defending his hoard. With my sensors, I am most likely to notice any traps before we activate them.”_

_“But if you miss one, it’ll just bite your foot off instead,” GoGo said._

_“I am wearing heavy armor, have a great deal of constitution and have one level of favored class HP. Baring all that, I can fly away. I will be safe so long as my patients are safe.”_

_Ginger heaved a sigh and patted Max on the shoulder. “You’re a good cleric.”_

_“I must be, to defend Taka.”]_

 

Out of the game, Baymax placed a hand on Hiro’s head and ruffled his hair. The static made Hiro’s hair stand on end, but he didn’t seem to mind.

 

“Okay, we clearly need to have a serious talk about the whole superhero thing sometime,” Wasabi said.

 

“Not today, though.” Honey shook her head. “Not while we’re having fun.”

 

The others nodded, though the table was still uncomfortably quiet for a moment or two.

 

_[Maxmillion led them through the myriad of traps as they climbed up Sanfrokyo Tower, even demanding at the more difficult paths that they hold hands. Finally, they reached the mouth of the largest cave. Smoke poured out from the ceiling, spiraling into the sky and getting trapped in the clouds, and with every exhalation, ash would blow out into the party. Aiko pulled out a pair of goggles and glanced at them. “Does anyone need these more than me?”_

_“No, put them on. You’re the one dealing with finicky chemicals. If anyone need their eyes clear, it’s you,” Leiko said._

_Aiko nodded and slipped on her goggles. “If any of you get hurt, I know how to clean eyes out without causing damage. Just yell for me.”_

_Taka snarled. “I’m gonna punch this damn dragon just for putting us through all this fiery horsecrap. Come on!”_

_With that, the orc stomped into the cave, not even bothering to let anyone trap check it first. The others followed more warily, Leiko with an arm over her face, Aiko in her goggles, Max with his hood pulled over his eyes and Ginger using his magic book as a shield. Embers wound their way between them with each slow breath, and Aiko eventually had to tie her hair up to keep it from catching fire. As the air heated up and grew drier and thicker, a chamber came into sight. There in the center, fast asleep and curled around a number of statues was a massive gold dragon. Taka puffed up as large as his massive orc body would let him, then screamed at the top of his lungs: “KAIJU! WAKE UP!”_

_In front of them, a mighty golden tail curled up and over itself. There was a snort that rattled the cavern walls, bringing down a rain of ash, and a cough that sprayed fire just past them. Shimering yellow eyelids opened, giving way to brown eyes the size of teaplates. Slowly, Kaiju found his footing beneath him, rising to all fours and towering easily three times as high as Taka. With a subtle tremor, he shook the ashes off of his body, finally lowering his head to be eye level with the orc. A huff of breath that felt like a desert rushed past them.]_

 

With Fred’s descriptions, everyone at the table was tense and silent, and they only became more as he sat and fiddled quietly for what seemed like hours. Then, to everyone’s shock, a booming, deep voice came from speakers hidden around the room: “YOU!”

 

Honey Lemon yelped and jumped very nearly three feet in the air, but GoGo grabbed her by the arm to calm her down. Hiro flinched visibly, though he tried to hide it, and Wasabi squeaked and guarded his face with his arms. “ALL OF YOU,” the voice continued, and slowly the party realized that they could hear Fred’s voice underneath it.

  
_[The dragon stared down at them and spoke again, it’s voice reverberating off the walls, even as it grew quieter: “You have exactly one minute to explain what you’re doing in my cave.”]_


End file.
